Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
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My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad