My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!