Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
i wish we could shoplift online
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Safety first
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier