If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed