” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.