My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.