The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
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When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
A ghost story
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.