[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’m not proud
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.