Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”