My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.