My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Damn what did I do next
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Who’s your best friend?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.