I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.