Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
(True)
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband