I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*