Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I am all good here, 😂😉
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Animal poetry
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.