[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.