Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.