NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?