If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
good work, detective
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
the battle rages on
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder