Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
socratic questions
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.