Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor