My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no