Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Tough love is true love
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
i smell a pulitzer
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke