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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!