There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Thursday
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.