Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
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I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
This cat wants you to take your pills
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”