I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
me and my fake scenarios