Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
You Might Also Like
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this