Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
These dogs look like they have good credit.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.