A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong