What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.