A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
what it’s like dating me:
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head