If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast