*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Previously On Persistence 😎
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin