*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
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unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
This line from Airplane.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.