Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
This made me smile…
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”