*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?