this country is so goddamn polarized
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Just a friendly reminder!
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA