Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
You Might Also Like
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Perfection.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…