I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.