*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.