I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*