Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Catercrombie & Fish
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.