You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into