Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.