getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
motivation
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Hell yeah 👍
don’t be scared
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.