He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Try and stop me.