Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before