My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.