You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
same bro
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact